Losing My Religion

Disclaimer: I started writing this as politically correct as possible, but it lost a lot of its value. I feel that in order to tell my story I need to be honest about my opinions. When reading this, please understand that what I may have to say about my experiences is not any sort of an implication of how I feel about people who disagree with my views. But if you stick it all the way out, you'll see that this is not at all a hate-filled ramble! Si se puede!

The Setup
     I spent thirteen years of my life at Oregon Episcopal School. I've literally bled for that school (I get mean on the lacrosse field) and it definitely helped shape who I'm becoming. For those unfamiliar with the Episcopal Church, here's a quick and definitely offensive overview: we're just bad Catholics. King Henry VIII wanted to get a divorce, which was forbidden in the Catholic Church, so he made his own church that would allow him to bend the rules. That was the Church of England, and the Episcopal Church is essentially its American buddy.
     My family has some religious roots, but religion was never in the picture at home. I never went to church with my family (until one of my cousins was baptized a few years ago), but I went to chapel at least once a week at school. In elementary school, we went twice a week. We'd sing songs, listen to fascinating stories about our school's beloved chaplain's pets, and have a generally awesome time. In addition, once a week the chaplain would come to our classroom and read us C.S. Lewis and give us things to color while telling us about her cool friend named God. I used to come home from school and regurgitate what I had learned to my parents, who swore I would grow up to be just like the chaplain I loved so much. Today, we laugh about that idea.

The What
     If I had been at a Catholic school, I think I would have immediately rejected the church and become a card carrying atheist. However, I went to an Episcopal school. They took all the ideals of Christianity and wrapped them up in a very liberal package. I didn't believe stories like Adam and Eve or Noah's Ark, but I was told I didn't have to. All that mattered were the ideas they represented. I was living a sort of half-life during the religious parts of school, where I would be intrigued and fascinated while also not believing a single word. I learned about love and respect through a religious lens, but because the school was so liberal, those values were often taken to places that contradicted traditional religious teachings.
     I learned that it wasn't all one package, and that believing in Jesus's message didn't necessarily mean I had to subscribe to the entire system. On Ash Wednesday in particular, I would sit in a church and listen to some man who didn't know me tell me that I am inherently full of sin, and I must repent because Jesus said so. Or something. I didn't super pay attention, you guys. That message was absolutely not okay with me and sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. I of course believe in introspection, in figuring out what I've done wrong and trying to improve it. Striving to be better than we have been is what makes us human. But I absolutely did not believe that I was an evil 14-year-old who owed my entire existence to some dude who died a couple thousand years ago. People aren't evil. People are awesome. You know, usually. So I found peace in parting ways with something that had become so intertwined with my identity from a young age.

The So What
     When I was making the decision to begin pushing away from religion, it was almost the cool thing to do. We had all been taking things for granted since we were children, and then we got to middle school, where we were encouraged to think for ourselves and make our own choices. I was definitely not the only one moving away from the church.
     However, I grew up. I was enamored with people I met, people I wanted to emulate, people whose lives helped me understand my own. Some were just my friends, and some were teachers/leaders/camp counselors/you name it. Every time I learned one of these people I wanted to become was religious, my understanding of religion took a hit. How could these people I admired so much embody something I rejected so wholly? (there's a pun in there if you look...)
     I realized that I couldn't take such a harsh attitude toward an issue that revolves around people without in turn making a statement about the people themselves. The ideas I had developed about religion were completely inconsistent with my general love of people. I realized that my personal issue wasn't just a personal thing. I had to listen to Jesus and love my neighbor. All of them. Even the religious ones.

The Now What
     In all honesty, I am still not okay with a lot of things about religion. I avoid the Catholic Church as a general rule (so pretty much nailing it with the whole Santa Clara thing), I would love to have a word or two with the pope, and there are a lot of times when I really resent how some people wield their religion as a weapon. I still believe the world would be a better place without religion.
     However, a world devoid of spirituality would never exist. As humans, we are irrevocably curious and always searching for meaning. I've finally been able to understand that the majority of religious people I meet will not present an attack on my liberal values, and that most likely, I'll learn from them.
I think my resentment toward people with strong spiritual beliefs began out of jealousy. I didn't have that strong of convictions of any sort. Now, on the other hand, I fully understand that faith is an incredibly important part of life, but it doesn't have to be faith in god.
     One of the girls I volunteered with this summer described faith to me like this: Every time I drop something, I know that it will fall. But I don't actually know that for a fact. I believe that the object will fall because I believe in gravity and I believe in the truth of my own experience of all the other times I watched things fall, so I trust that my dropping something will lead to its falling. That trust in the relative truth of my own personal world is faith.
     These days, I am comfortable understanding my own "faith" and its lack of a spiritual element as fundamentally no different than the faith of my religious friends. I try to do good things because my own personal understanding of the world requires it, and that is no different from others doing good things because they are following the teachings of a prophet or other religious leader. I can finally admire Jesus for his actions without having to decide if any of it actually happened or not.
     I'm not a religious person. I am not an atheist either. I'm not even agnostic. I just let religion and my life operate in separate spheres. My best friend and the other two people I admire most in the world are religious, and I love every part of them because our values are congruent, even though they are motivated by different factors. Religion is just a means to an end, and I have taken a different path.

Keeping it Fun

I spent two days scouring the TED website for the perfect video that would reflect my values. I watched a lot of cool things, learned some great ideas, and thought a lot about the world and myself. I was having the toughest time deciding what I wanted to talk about here because I couldn't possibly choose between all of these awesome things I'd been watching:

Then I stumbled onto this guy. This video was such a welcome break from all of the difficult thinking I'd been doing.

At the end of the day, I think we're all just trying to get by and have a good time.

This video fits into my values because it reminds me that we are all human. We're all constantly trying to succeed and hoping to hide our flaws, but those flaws are what makes us so interesting. Our flaws make us vulnerable, relatable, and human, and we can't be afraid if other people notice them.

"What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person."              - John Green

We have to believe in what we do, but we also have to know that we are just one little cog in the big machine of the world. We have to remember that we and everyone else we interact with are all just people trying to get through life, hopefully leaving a positive impact.
My typical "positive impact" is making people feel good. I don't believe we can ever be successful or if we don't enjoy ourselves, so I always try to find and share the fun in situations.

I want to live in a world where we stop hiding behind constructions of ourselves and aren't afraid to share some "self-deprecating levity," as one of the commenters on the video put it.

There's nothing more dangerous than taking ourselves too seriously.

Don't judge me, you big J.

Labels are stupid. People leap to judgment without actually getting to know people, because they think they know them. If you want to learn about me, come hang out; don't pretend to have me figured out because you know facts about my life.

But of course I would say that; I'm an ENFP.

"ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things."

ENFPs are the free spirits, the dreamers, and the artists. The internet tells me that we're those artsy kids, who care more about saving the world with a paintbrush than actually finishing a painting. But you guys, I'm a science major. I may have some artistic tendencies, but that creativity lets me visualize organic compounds, remember different phenotypes and genotypes, and predict chemical reactions. We are not all the same.

MBTI and other personality tests can be really useful tools in understanding ourselves. For example, knowing that I'm an E helps me understand that the funk I'm in is because I've been alone all day, not that I've been avoiding people because I'm in a funk, so I know how to fix the problem and move on. And now that I know that I'm a P, and that it's a real thing and there are bajillions of people out there like me, I don't feel bad about my alternative means of studying and getting things done. This test helps us get in touch with ourselves, and knowing who we are and how we function is a crucial part of a happy (and still productive) life.

"When we put people in boxes where they can only be one or another, we miss the opportunity to see people as diverse as they are"

That being said, on another day, I could have been an ESFP. Maybe tomorrow I could be an INFP. The highest correlation I got was a "moderate" P, and one question answered differently could have switched my N to an S. It's great to be able to understand myself, but I know that I need to take it all with a grain of salt. My personality type doesn't define me. Sometimes I might act completely opposite of an ENFP, and that's fine because I am a whole person made up of more than just four little letters. I would hope that no one would think that they know who I am just because they've heard of my four letters because I don't even know who I am. I am constantly surprising myself, changing, and re-discovering who I am.

Let's make a deal: I'll tell you I'm an ENFP, you tell me what you are, and then let's just forget about it and go get lactose-free frozen yogurt. Cool?

Leadership models

     My role model for leadership and other aspects of my life, JoLeah, was the leader of my volunteer program this summer. She is a brilliant leader for a few reasons, but the most important reason is definitely that she legitimately cares about every volunteer she works with. The organization is set up to run on one-week volunteers, and yet JoLeah still takes the time to get to know them, even though she will probably never see them again. In my experience, her reaching out to me on my first trip connected me to the work we were doing, making me feel like we were working for something together, instead of me showing up for a week and helping her with what she was already doing. In fact, I felt so connected to the work that I wanted to return over the summer. When I did, I was more and more excited to go to campamento every day, and I know that a lot of that enthusiasm came from JoLeah making me feel like a real part of the team.
     While all of the post-industrial leadership models appealed to me, the Relational model particularly resonated with me because of my experience this summer. I never really appreciated the importance of relationships within a group until JoLeah demonstrated how effective a united team can be. Even though I was just one link in the chain of volunteers that go through the organization, I felt like I mattered. I felt connected to the work, and that drove me to give it my all. The model sounds nice in concept, but having a solid experience to relate it to proves to me that the idea is more than just nice, and is in fact a really great way to lead.

Part 2: These pictures are really just screencaps from this video. (Incidentally, JoLeah showed us this video in our weekly leadership meetings, and I highly recommend you check it out.)

The video comes from Sasquatch music festival. One guy was dancing like his life depended on it while everyone else was just sitting around watching him. 

Eventually, someone joined him. The two of them danced for a little while, while everyone else continued to look on from afar. 

Finally it snowballed into a movement. One guy messing around turned into an entire group of people having a great time. It's an interesting look at leadership, as it follows a whole revolution in under three minutes.

     I think this video represents the social change model because at first, all the bystanders have to compromise their own inhibitions and get over the idea that joining will be embarrassing. Once that happens, it stops being about the one leader and starts being about the group as a whole.


P.S. Outreach360 is a fantastic organization, and I cannot recommend it highly enough to anyone looking for an international volunteer or travel experience. They work to supplement the education systems in the Dominican Republic and Nicaragua to give children a life of choice. They're excellent with college students, speaking spanish isn't required (though it made my experience richer), and you can go for however many weeks you choose, whenever you want. And maybe you'll get the chance to learn about leadership under JoLeah.

Introduction

Hi, I'm Kristen. I'm from Portland, Oregon, and I'm a little bit too proud of it. Seriously, I will probably tell you I'm from Portland twice in every conversation because it's important to my identity. I'm undeclared in arts and sciences, but I'll probably end up studying Spanish and some kind of science. My secret dream in life is to join the circus, but realistically, I'll probably either go into healthcare, graphic design, or education. I really haven't decided... I played soccer and lacrosse in high school, and I love skiing, snowboarding, and biking - pretty much anything that gets me outside - and I'm starting to get back into climbing. My favorite pastime is eating white foods. I watch too much tv, and I'm okay with that. I also like to read a lot, but don't end up doing it very often. I came from a really small school (75 kids in my class), where I spent 13 years, so my favorite part of Santa Clara so far is meeting so many new people. Another important part of myself is that I spent last spring break and summer in the Dominican Republic teaching English, Spanish literacy, and various other things to local kids. It was probably the best thing I've ever done, and I'm in a constant state of wanting to get back and check in on all my kiddos.
P.S. I really just want to be Tina Fey, you guys.